Rest Without Guilt: Why Black Women Deserve Luxury & Ease with Elizabeth Mccoy

Deneen L. Garrett: 00:02 00:18
Hello, hello, everybody, and welcome back to Women of Color, An Intimate Conversation. Today's guest is CEO and powerhouse, wellness powerhouse, Elizabeth Mccoy. Elizabeth, what three things do you want the audience to know about you?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 00:19 01:18 The three things I want your audience to know about me, well, first, let me say thank you for having me. I like to just kind of get into whatever the questions are, but thank you so much for having me. The three things that I want people to know about me is that I'm unapologetically me. That's my imperfections. That's my perfections. Those are the things I do well. Those are the things that I don't do so well, like just jumping in and answering whatever was being asked at the moment and just forgetting everything else. Also, I like all things Black women. If it involves Black women, then it is for me, it is my business, and I'm trying to figure it out. And then the other thing is that probably animals and working out are my other two favorite things outside of caring for Black women.

Deneen L. Garrett: 01:18 01:19 Oh, nice. Animals?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 01:20 01:21 Yes.

Deneen L. Garrett: 01:21 01:23 Just all animals?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 01:24 01:56 I will, I will take all but i'm a little i'm a little hesitant on the snake babies i'm trying. i'm trying to. yeah I have. A friend of mine who's in a business cohort with me her daughter has a snake so i'm trying to like work my way in but I don't know. You know what, you don't even have to. Keep that snake where it is. Listen, I'll buy it a little mouse or something or order it something from Amazon or We Buy Black, something like that.

Deneen L. Garrett: 01:56 01:56 Right, right.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 01:56 02:04 You know, send it over there and take care of it that way. But yeah, I'm kind of scared. Cats and snakes, I'm terrified. But I love them anyway.

Deneen L. Garrett: 02:04 02:32 Oh my goodness. OK, OK. Well, you know, so cats, I didn't like cats. I hated cats up until maybe August of 2020. And now I have cats so. Really. yeah and now i'm like oh my God they're the best pet ever like they take care of themselves. Like I have an automatic feeder I have they have an automatic toilet I could be gone for three days and they're good like everything is taken care of so i'm like yeah cats are great.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 02:33 02:38 Yeah, and I have two dogs, and yeah, every couple of hours, I have somebody checking on them.

Deneen L. Garrett: 02:38 03:11 Right, see? And I've always been a dog person, but dogs, they do require work. So there's that. But anyway, so today, our conversation, we're going to talk, and the title of this episode is Rest Without Guilt, Why Black Women Deserve Luxury and Ease, which is what you're about. So Elizabeth, I know you wanted to jump in. So let's start strong. Why are so many high achieving black women running on empty? And why is society clapping for it?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 03:13 04:01 Well, we're running on on empty because that's pretty much how we've been conditioned. We've been trained that way from our ancestors and slavery to present day, just trying to work and do it all. We have to be able to manage it. And if we're not, then we tend to receive that. as some type of tear to our personalities, to who we are, our identity. And so when it comes down to society benefiting, you get a continuous work solution. You have something who happens to be someone constantly producing for you because they don't want it to look as though they're not the best ever in your eyes.

Deneen L. Garrett: 04:04 04:21 Yeah, and are you noticing any shifts since the election? Because I know that for me, what I'm seeing, what resonates in a social, you know, different platforms I'm on, we're resting. So, we're leaning into this.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 04:22 04:46 Absolutely. We are leaning into it and we are heavy into it. And I am loving it because we, you know, rest is not just revolutionary. It's a simple birthright. You have to rest in order to be the best version of yourself. And let me say the best version of yourself is not the overworked one. It's not the one that's constantly working and producing. And so, you know, rest is where it's at. We need that.

Deneen L. Garrett: 04:47 06:05 Yeah, and so you just mentioned it, rest is revolutionary. And actually, I even posted about this once or twice this year. I see that often. I was actually at a museum in London. And the exhibition that I was there for was by South African artists Zanele Muholi, I think I have it, Muzole, I think something like that. And at the end of it, they actually created space to rest, right? Because after going through, and the theme of their exhibition was around LGBTQ plus persons from South Africa. and their journey and so heavy, you know, heavy. And so at the end, it was like, okay, here's space to rest, like have a seat, take a break, you know, gather your thoughts so that you can continue on, which is kind of what we're doing in this rest, right? We're taking our time for ourselves. We're putting ourselves first. And some look at it as a radical act of self-love. What are your thoughts on that? Is it a radical act of self-love for Black women to rest?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 06:06 06:35 Well, of course, anything that we do for ourselves becomes radical. You know, this country required us and our men to deeply denounce everything that it meant to take care of yourself. And so simply resting is that definitely that rebellious act because you're saying that I'm important and that you're claiming that this is what I'm guaranteed. I'm guaranteed to rest and not to have to do it with guilt.

Deneen L. Garrett: 06:36 06:53 Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And so, you know, some people, as you, you know, started talking about how we've been raised to be strong and, and, Often that means never stopping, never resting, never needing help. What's the real cost of this?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 06:55 07:29 Oh, the real cost is just astronomical. We have a cost from missed promotions. We have the cost of just not progressing in our businesses. We have the cost of community. We have the cost of self. You know, and when we try to put dollar figures on this, some of these costs range in the billions globally. So it's almost a billion dollar industry for the black woman to be burned out.

Deneen L. Garrett: 07:32 08:54 I remember my son, so my son is 23 now. And at the time he was in elementary school and I was working from home and he hated my laptop. You know, and I can hear him saying right now, pewter, pewter, because I would pick them up from school, bring them home, you know, hop back on that computer, still on it, you know, it was just nonstop, right? And so that was a cost. That was a cost to me that my son wasn't getting my attention because I was on the computer. I was on the laptop. as opposed to sitting with him, you know, maybe eating at the table with him, playing a game with him, just talking with him. I wasn't doing those things because I was working, right? And for me, I just had that drive, constantly just go, go, go, go, go. That's just how I've been, right? We kind of talked about absolutely wired and raised to just go, go, go, go, go. And not anymore. I'm getting my rest then, so. We're all taking a nap. Okay, be a radical, revolutionary, whatever you want to call it, I get some my rest. So let's be real. What happens when a woman finally puts herself first after years of people pleasing and overworking?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 08:55 10:30 Oh, there's, you know, we need a whole episode just for this because so many things happen, one for her, but then also for those who rely on her. It creates almost a space where she's not sure what's happening because all the people that relied on her people pleasing, she's now switched up. She's not the same. You're changing on me. You're this, you're that, you're negative things. You're trying to take care of yourself. Oh, you know, we like a good funny action story. And so, so you're all the things that's going to make me disconnect. But people thus far, I will say, cause I do believe that we'll get better. But thus far, people see you taking care of yourself as a people pleaser. They see you taking care of yourself as a rejection of them because they benefited from you constantly neglecting yourself. And so when you're trying to switch over and do less people pleasing and be more intentional about yourself, you feel like you're not doing enough. There's a lot of guilt there. There might be some shame there that you didn't do it sooner. You know, it's such a layered experience, just overall. There's so many layers to it. But any woman who is trying to get out of that people-pleasing and find herself, reconnect with her truest desires, you know, just be encouraged that this is a phase. And just like the sun goes up, it has to go down. And each day we have more and more change. And so your change is coming.

Deneen L. Garrett: 10:30 10:43 And everything won't fall apart, right? Because I think a lot of women, whether they're people pleaser or not, but they're people continue to go, go, go, go, go. And who don't rest, but you know, they feel like if I stop, everything will fall apart.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 10:45 10:58 Yeah. And one thing I like to tell, one thing I like to tell my clients is let it fall because if it falls, that means nobody else was trying to catch it, but you, and that's a surefire way to let us know that you've been overstepping your boundaries.

Deneen L. Garrett: 10:59 11:05 Wow. Let it fall. Let them do it.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 11:05 11:06 Get somebody else to do it.

Deneen L. Garrett: 11:07 11:18 Yeah. Get somebody else to do it. Right. Next, I'm on break. Line over there. All the things. That's where we at. That's where we are. All the things. All the things.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 11:18 11:30 The more that you do for people, the less they start to do for themselves. Yeah. It really is almost like a learned helplessness. Well, I just don't, I don't know how to help me cause you do it.

Deneen L. Garrett: 11:31 11:56 Right. So, right. Absolutely. Right. Enabling folks. So let's, let's kind of talk about that a little bit. So a person who, let's say that people please, or that person who's constantly doing for other people, is it in it? And you know, there is, I'm sure there's no one answer, but is it really about what they're doing for others? Or is it something about themselves? Like, are they like, what is it doing for them to constantly do for other people?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 11:57 13:20 not be ridiculed. Okay. Most people who are, are into people, please. And I will say from my experience, cause I can't see everybody in the population, but they are, they have that, uh, overcompensation so that they are not ridiculed for something. They don't want to be dismissed. They don't want to be abandoned. So it really is in a reactionary response. It's a trauma response. I don't want you to say something bad about me. then I need to overcompensate. I need to overly do it. And it's not that we cannot do nice things for nice people. It's not to say that I can't take off tomorrow and say, I'm just going to go and sit with Deneen and see what all she needs and I'm just going to help her wherever. That's not people pleasing. That's being part of the community. People pleasing would be if I left all of my clients for the week and said, I'm just going to go and sit at the knees. I'm just going to be sitting by the phone, sit at the Starbucks and see, does she need anything? And if she calls me just in case, you know, or, um, you know, or I start overstepping your boundaries where you feel like, dang, Elizabeth's just, you know, kind of in my way, but I don't want to tell her that because it might hurt her feelings. I see that she's trying, but those are when we know that people pleasing is at play and there's something more for us to do. Yeah, or shall I say more for us to address?

Deneen L. Garrett: 13:20 14:06 Right. And I like that you pointed out trauma, right? Because it could be from different traumas. Because that's one of the things I was thinking of. Often, you know, we're doing so much, right? To keep in motion, to keep from dealing with something that we need to deal with, something about ourselves. I think that that's part of it, right? Again, like, Like I said, even you're saying it's not a one size fits all, right? There's different things. But in your experience, you notice this folks that don't wanna be ridiculed. And again, there are different traumas and the reason why folks are people pleasers. So how so culture glorifies burnout as ambition? What's a hard truth we need to hear about productivity versus rest?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 14:09 15:02 a hard truth about it, is that you really can rest and be successful. As with anything, if we overdo the work, the hustle culture, we will actually have the opposite effect of what we want. So the harder that we work may not always translate to the more success that we have. In fact, if we're not resting properly, we're going to see a decline in our productivity, We're going to see a decline in our alertness. We're going to see a decline in our attention to detail, all the things that make hustle culture run, if that makes sense. You need those skills in order to be effective, but you lose them if you're not resting properly. So taking care of yourself really is the most fundamental thing that you can do. And rest is that cornerstone to everything else.

Deneen L. Garrett: 15:04 16:06 And we're going to talk a little bit more about that in a bit. But I think you I think I responded to your post today about, you know, rest, restore your refresh, and then you renew to to be your best self or your better self. Right. And that's what rest allows you to do, because, you know, we are just doing too much. Too much is really a way to look at it. And so we need to pause. We do need to rest. And then we're refreshed, we're ready, and we can move on. Because sometimes when we're doing too much, like you said, things could get missed. And even if things are not getting missed, let's say work, everything is, you're actually excelling, you're still missing out on something for yourself. Because like I said, me, I'm putting in the work, but then I'm losing out on time. and relationship building with my son. So somewhere is getting missing. If you don't pause, if you don't rest, then you really don't know what it is until it comes crashing.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 16:07 16:57 Yeah. And I'm so eager to jump in and say that this is where we see high functioning depression because it looks like everything should be okay. I should be happy. This is in line, an alignment. This is working. I met this goal. I did this, but we've not reconnected with ourselves. We don't know. that we are really and truly burning on fuel or running on fumes. And we have to find a way to recharge ourselves. Now, my message is all around rest, but the other ways to take care of yourself is nutrition, sunlight, hydration, connection, community. You know, there are so many different pieces that we need to incorporate total wellness, total self-care. It's not self-care, it's not just bubble baths and candles, you know, it is much deeper than that.

Deneen L. Garrett: 16:58 17:32 Yeah. And it's, and for different people is different things for me. One of the things I love to do is leave the house, leave the house and even go somewhere and just sit in the car and read the book. Now at home, it's not, yeah, it's not like there's people that are constantly pulling on me. It's not that at all. It's just that just to change a scenery, right. How you kind of said getting, you know, vitamin D, the sun and all that kind of stuff, but it's just changing my environment, changing. my scenery, I enjoy that to just step outside.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 17:33 17:54 Yeah. And it doesn't have to be anything major. No. So many times we think that, oh my God, it's going to take me 10 days to do this. No. It can be as little as five minutes a day. But the difference is being aware that you need to do it and the intention that you are giving it when you are doing it.

Deneen L. Garrett: 17:54 18:01 Yeah. So how do we say no without guilt when everyone expects us to be available 24 seven.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 18:04 18:36 Saying no without guilt guilt guilt itself is a layered. process to go through recovering from. But just understand that saying no to someone else allows you to say yes to you. And even if we want to be our best selves, we want to be the greatest thing since sliced bread to everybody else. I can't do that if I'm not at my best self, if I'm not at least in a good place. So saying no now allows you to be more present, more intentionally later.

Deneen L. Garrett: 18:38 18:56 Absolutely. And that's the thing to really realize and focus on. It's just making you a better you. Even if you're a person who does really love to be giving towards other people, to help other people, that's fine. But rest for yourself so that you're better able to do that.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 18:57 19:07 We all have gifts. All these gifts help us help the world go around and helps it, you know, do what we need to do. But nowhere does it say neglect yourself for your gifts.

Deneen L. Garrett: 19:08 21:13 Absolutely. Rachel Rogers, and I don't even know how to describe her, but she's definitely a serial entrepreneur coach and those things, but she wrote this book, We Should All Be Millionaires. And one of the takeaways from that is, It's kind of like delegating. Find those things that you don't really like to do, want to do, whatever the case, and hire somebody else to do it. And when you do, it frees you up to be your best self and to really do the things that you want to do. And that is so powerful and is very similar to the whole thing with the rest, right? When we focus on the things we do well, the things that we want to do, taking the time to find out what those things are, it opens up for so many other things. It's kind of like you can't receive when your hand is closed. So for those who are watching or those who are listening, you don't see me doing that, but a closed hand, I'm not going to receive. So similar with, you know, like what Rachel talks about, if, okay, if I'm, you know, I don't like to, let's say, I don't like to analyze data. Okay, and so I'm spending three hours analyzing data, which is taking me away from other things that could make me productive, make me money, etc. When I can just hire somebody, spend whatever that money is, and they can get it done in probably three minutes, right? And it doesn't even matter how much- That's their expertise. Right, it's their expertise. That's what they do. That's what they do. And it doesn't matter the amount of time, but the point is that I now reclaim three hours of my time. And so that three hours can probably triple three, 30 times, you know, bring in revenue 30 times more than if I'm still, you know, going over that data, that thing that I don't like to do. So we have to shift how we're thinking about things. So give us a mic drop response when someone guilt trips us for resting. What do we say to those people?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 21:17 21:19 Trying to decide how petty do I want to be?

Deneen L. Garrett: 21:20 21:24 Do I go real petty? You know people like petty.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 21:25 22:12 Listen, there are so many things that I tell my clients, and I always tell them, I'm so glad there's no cameras or anything around. Well, we got a camera this time. Right, we got one this time. My line for the last two weeks has been, that's your business. If you feel a certain way about me doing and taking care of me, that's your business. And one thing I love to teach my clients about boundaries is that your business is yours. It's not for me to take it on. If it sets in your spirit for you to be upset with me, that's your business. I did not get dressed with that thought this morning, and I'm not going to get undressed with that thought tonight. You do you, and I'll do me.

Deneen L. Garrett: 22:13 22:38 I love that for a couple of reasons. So one, somebody else had posted something today, and it was about what other people may think of you, whatever. I said, well, that's not my business, what another person thinks, right? And then it also reminds me, had you seen any of the videos about the American woman who was over in Pakistan? Yes. girl hilarious and she made it to Dubai, I saw that today.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 22:40 22:40 Oh, has she?

Deneen L. Garrett: 22:41 23:15 Yeah, now she is living her best life. Now that's a whole nother conversation really just thinking about sister girl because who is going to Pakistan and then in Dubai and she not really pampered this. So, but that's a whole nother thing. But what she would say often when people were interviewing her is mind your business. So that's how we can respond to some of these people who try to guilt us. It's not my business, mind your business, get some business, all the things, but yeah.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 23:15 23:38 Anything that will allow us to keep chugging along. If it's going to worry you at the end of the night of what you didn't do, that is going to be a very important cue for you to get that done today. So again, we didn't wake up with it. We didn't wake up with it. So that means that it wasn't important when we got up. So leave it over there with them.

Deneen L. Garrett: 23:38 23:42 And forgot about it throughout the day. So there's that as well.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 23:42 23:42 Most likely.

Deneen L. Garrett: 23:44 24:10 So now this podcast is to empower women of color to live a dream lifestyle, to be our best selves. And so you created the Luxury Recharge Collective because we deserve more than survival. We deserve softness, ease, and luxury. So what does luxury really mean in the context of rest? Oh, it's just the ease of time.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 24:11 24:55 Having the flexibility, and let me rephrase, it's not having at this current point, it's creating it. Creating the flexibility, creating the life that you can go in and take a nap, that you can ask someone or hire someone to take care of a task that you're not really all that keen about so that you can take a nap. It's about intentionally building a community of women who see you and they want the same things for you that they want for themselves, which is to unapologetically rest. And so that's what luxury means to me under Luxury Recharge Collective. We're just gonna create the space to be as we see fit.

Deneen L. Garrett: 24:56 24:59 I love it I love it, and you have an event coming up right.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 25:00 25:35 Yes, I do have an event coming up. On February 23 it is the rest, we get without guilt masterclass that will go into at 330 central and from there, we will move into a workshop. where we are creating profitable rest plans. Because remember, your money is tied to your rest. And I don't want you to think that you're going to miss money because you're sleeping. But I'm going to show you how to rest and still make your money. And that follows immediately after the masterclass.

Deneen L. Garrett: 25:35 26:13 All right. And so passive income, right? So that's something I've been thinking about. Like, I don't really need to jump on. this whole passive income to have money coming without me really having to do anything. And like you said, while resting, right? Have money. So now for those who are watching or listening, I will provide links and ways to get in contact with Elizabeth. So just continue with this whole around luxury. So what's one rest ritual every black woman listening should start today? No complicated routines, no permission needed. Turn that phone off.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 26:15 26:25 Turn it off. Put it in another room. Listen, if Jesus or whomever your high power may be, if they can't save them, neither can you.

Deneen L. Garrett: 26:27 26:41 Well, all right. Now, here we go. That's a mic drop. OK, then. I know. Look, while I'm surrounded by a phone, an iPad, and everything, I'm like, yep, yep. You got to put it in another room. You got to turn it off. Get off of social media.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 26:42 27:35 Right now. Absolutely, you can do it, whether it's five minutes or again it doesn't have to be long right as soon as that little voice tells you oh I don't have time oh baby, but you do I promise you, we always have five or 10 minutes always. Even as a therapist, I'll have five or 10 minutes because if I can wrap a client up at the 53 minute mark, that means I got seven minutes before the next one. And you best believe everything stays in my office and I go lay on my couch, cover my head and just wait until my seven minutes are up. So it doesn't take much for us to reset, but we have to be willing to fight through the uncomfortable feeling, that little background noise that makes it seem as though we're going to be in trouble. Um, that starts to generate that guilt and just let it work itself out while you go in there.

Deneen L. Garrett: 27:36 28:04 And it's really about redefining rest. Right. Too, because like you talked about earlier, like it is not going, you know, it's not always going to get a pedicure or this or that you don't even have to leave your, your, um, home. You don't even have to leave the office. Right. So many different ways that we can rest. So we really need to rethink. rest, like what rest is, and it's pausing, it's taking a break, it's breathing, right? It's changing.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 28:04 28:05 Love a good breathing activity.

Deneen L. Garrett: 28:06 28:11 Yeah. So what's a personal rest practice you swear by that changed your life?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 28:12 28:29 These good old naps. If it's one thing I'm gonna do every day. A nap. Along with taking my dogs on a ride, I mean on the R.I.D., is I'm gonna take a nap. I am definitely going to take a nap at some point in the day.

Deneen L. Garrett: 28:30 28:43 Now, are you in a Houston area? I am. There's a woman, I think her name might be Khadijah Guillory, something like that. But I think she created the nap bar.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 28:44 28:46 Yes. Yes.

Deneen L. Garrett: 28:46 28:47 Yes.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 28:47 29:47 I was in a breakthrough Houston with her and we wrapped up in November. So yeah, so she has the nap bar. I haven't had a chance to get there myself, but unknowingly, I have been referring to some of my clients over there in past, who were in that area. If you're in the area and you can't take a nap at the office, then you have a place to go. They even have these meditation spots in Houston where you can go and it's like a dark room. It's kind of this aerial where you lay into like this, I don't know what you call it, curtains, like an aerial curtain or whatever. And you can just rest. You can just feel your body just kind of drop because you're actually being supported. So lots of great things to help us facilitate this idea, this new idea, this new feeling of rest.

Deneen L. Garrett: 29:49 30:34 And for me, again, we're talking about simple things you can do that don't take a lot of effort or time. But whenever, like if I'm scrolling through social media and somebody is like, pause right now and breathe. I do that and it feels so good because I don't know about you, well you, it might be different for you because you're in a wellness space, but other people, I don't think we intentionally breathe. It's just something we already do. We do not. So we don't take time to like, oh, let me think about my breath and let me actually inhale and then exhale, right? But I love whenever I come across that because it really feels good. So for those who are watching or listening, take a few moments and breathe.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 30:35 31:21 Yes, take a few moments and breathe. And then let me give you another gem before we go. I know that we're almost up at time. It's to pick a point that is either just before or just after your most stressful day and set an alarm in your phone to breathe. But you're going to name that alarm, breathe, rest, pause, whatever resonates with you. So when that alarm goes off, no matter what, that is your one time, To be present to breathe, because as long as we're breathing, we're also increasing oxygen to our brain, which helps us be the person that we're striving to be. So we need these little tools and it does not take a lot of time. Please take from this message. It does not take a lot of time.

Deneen L. Garrett: 31:22 32:03 No. And you know what? I had never thought about like scheduling it, right? Because I remember having an iPhone watch and, you know, like stand. I think it, I'm not sure. I think it does prompt you to breathe. So I did love those things, but like, you know, when you're moving so much, you're just like, oh, forget it. Right. And you don't stand or you don't get up. So sometimes, you know, we overlook, but we really have to be intentional about pausing, about breathing, about the things that actually bring us joy and makes us feel better. And in order to really figure out what those things are, we do have to rest. So make sure you're doing that. Take the time to figure out what you really like and make sure you're doing it.

Elizabeth Mccoy: 32:04 32:08 Yes. There's no secret sauce. It's what works for you.

Deneen L. Garrett: 32:09 32:21 So I do wanna ask one final question. If you could look every black woman in the eye, what's the one truth you want her to hear about choosing herself first?

Elizabeth Mccoy: 32:24 32:33 That they can do it without you. They absolutely can and they absolutely will do it without you. So take the time away to take care of you.

Deneen L. Garrett: 32:35 33:00 I love that. Look, look how simple that is. Simple. And it's deep. Keep it simple. Keep it simple and it's deep. Elizabeth does not give you complications. Wow. Wow. Okay. Well, Elizabeth Mccoy, thank you so much for lending your voice on women of color and intimate conversation and enjoy the rest of your day. Thank you for having me. You too. Bye. Thank you. Bye.